It dawned on me really how much we have grown in our own unique ways

how work has made us more skeptical about the things that happen around us, pracitical in the way that we lead our lives,  interaction with the outside world and to realise how disgusting and cold the world is – everyone is just out to protect their own backsides, so be safe and protect your own – or that people who don’t want to rock the boat and order of things.

what we seem to know and to be might not necessarily be what it really is and realistically when a situation happens, the true character of the person will always be revealed – its always who are the ones that stick it out in the end or stick by you through it all thats what i believe it to be

how things are turning out and how society is decaying to be empty and colder – where people just dont seem to put their beliefs and hopes in wrong places

i am not preaching about how to be all righteous and all – i just think that it just seems that as we all slowly transit into working life, meet more people in the world, somehow we get tested at our tolerance and survival skills, and some how in the process of it, we get so caught up with this part of life that dominates a huge sector, that our life just circles around and mainly about it.

it was a very much interesting and engaging conversation. super like

yes i am talking about my referee report for my application – totally needed as part of my application . So i asked Hong Kong uncle (well my parents told me its better if they asked for me) and he did agree .. that being before Christmas .

Now, because we cannot help his kid get a place in XX JC, just like my sister , I wonder if he will write a worst report or just refuse to be my point of reference altogether ..
talk about relationships for mutual benefits – to calculate each and everytime his wife comes crying to my mother about stuff, take us for a ride and granted that we are always there to help them (i mean given the friendship betweeen them and my parents, sure .. but we just don’t like our kindness to be taken for a ride , many rides) or try to net off the times –  I just feel sad that things have to come down to as such – there is that constant uncertainty that unless there is a benefit involved, otherwise, no talk .

having him as a point of reference makes me feel so jittery … i really wonder what he will say … growls

I mean i really appreciate the opportunity and all that came with it ..

BUT
after getting this mba

i seriously swear i wont allow my own fate to be at the mercy of others . NEVER. NO more pulling of ties  .. NO MORE i am so done and over with it
Enough having to do things that seem like i have to suck up and makes the meaning of it lost in the process.  +

I feel so mother stressed with my exams.. I just want it to be over and be able to remember what i have learnt

i just need to do this ..

1 good shot and i don’t need to bother about this no more

come on come on

Its pretty official – My own life starts now.
Thank God its over – finally

Thank God

i have learnt
1) never let parents be too involved in it
2) I just need to work damn hard for my own future
3) Enough pulling of strings

a step into change  - feels shaky but not too bad

Its Day #5 of my diet and i have successfully lost 2kg by far *yay ness to that*

I am quite determined to take up by japanese all over again
maybe in hong kong it was because i didn’t have activities outside of work that led me to my mimi depressive episode

At times experiencing this momentarily “shit i really need to make some changes in my life” – don’t know if its a good thing in the end
In applying for this MBA, i know i will be entering into new changes that i know and hope will bring new avenues and directions in my life
just a little terrified since i will be stepping out of my comfort zone, BUT no pain no gain.

time waits for no one ..
gambare!

its as if my life is back to when i am 17 for a while, where i am once again bounded by ground house rules that should apply to a 17 year old (and mind you i am coming to be a quarter of a century)   and having to plan my days around mood swings, living up to my ‘pang seh’ queen status

and then at times i am expected to be a matured adult that can live the life of a 17 year old and measure up to ‘ the most obedient’ and ‘matured’ out of my siblings

how is that even possible? I feel like i am getting crazier by the min and i am irritated that i cannot give that confirmation on how my days can continue to  turn out to be

and then more drama packs along, top it up with the ultimate triumph card, tears, and then nothing changes because everything will be what it is all over again after a few more days

it just feels like if i plan things for myself, like its such a guilty and selfish indulgence
its like i have a life and yet i dont

my life is like dictated with mood swings, behavioural expectations of my sister, ..
if you have to tell her, just open  your mouth to tell her?
lets out a sigh …

on a happier note,

went for zhang hui mei’s concert .. shes really a true diva that despite all these years of singing her songs, she still feels and believes in what she sings . i especially like how she insist that in every album that she releases, that she has at least one emo song in hope to tide people through their hard times, or even be like a song that they can sing and rant out their feelings …

at that moment i felt that if the world ended, i think i would die a happy moment, at least i experienced hearing her sing live …

or it will be

“Why you go and quit your job in Hong kong??? ” and continue lecturing me in that all “gosh what do you know kid” manner

i mean seriously ,
HOW IS IT YOUR BUSINESS??
you are also not living my life .
tmd

if the world ends this year, i hope i will be at least doing something happy before judement day falls on me or something.
if the world ends this year, i am going to make this year the best i never had.

maybe if we all feel it flying faster ..

or that we are expecting or looking forward to something to happen ..

next year seem to be the year of the world end ..

if the world ends next year

cheers! that i dont die wrinkled or struck with diabetics and have to amputate my leg

then again .. if it really did end, i dont want to spend my last breath studying – well i hope it wont be that case ..

i can’t believe i am flying tmr
i got my flight wrong and mixed up
and tmr is going to flash by even before i can register whats happening

and soon next year will come ..

a new year brings new promises, new hopes, new paths to cross , new stories to tell, new understandings of friendships, new goals, new compositions and definitions of life, new moments of sadness and disappointments ..

we are  all so caught up in walking our paths and in our mini episodic moments in our lives that meet ups become luxurious and precious
we began to realise that our priorities shifted accordingly to our wants and needs, instead of what we naively thought our ideal way of life should be when we are living out our 20s
we realise the importance of work and how it takes up 90% of our lives – such that our conversation and bitching topics all revolve around never ending work, sucky bosses asshole managers or problematic colleagues.
we have evolved to realise that life was not as ideal, not as perfect as we imagined it to be when we were studying
we all strive and have hope that in whatever we are doing now, there is a future guaranteed – future in granting material wants, to basic needs, to fulfilling greater dreams in the future – as long as we have pay day
we learn the reality of living in the society; breathe in the flaws like it has been ingrained into our lives, use our situations as yardsticks of comparison,  stumble upon facts and opinions of people that bring newer insights to our shallow understanding of how things has been working before we got sucked into this rat race

i just hope in time to come when i am 50 and still read back on this post, I will laugh and realise how this is quite a turning point in my life  .. how this year has been a year of many turning points for me .. alot of realisations and misery .. yet nonetheless, the me now that because of all my decisions that i made that landed me in where i am now, i just want to say, i hope in reading this, i can say i did make the right decision and that things really did work out in the way that i wanted to get me where i am when i am 50 .

a survey conducted on people that are above 95 to ask if they could re-live their lives, what would they have done differently. 3 prominent answers were , 1) be more out that and more participative, 2) be able to make different decisions that challenged the comfort zone/ routine, 3) to be  able to invest truly in something that they could leave behind a legacy or that had a bigger purpose in a bigger picture .

Something that makes a long lasting impact that can be passed on for years.

interesting perspective …
anyways, till next year everyone! whoever that still reads my blog entries, have a good year ahead!

so true indeed,
especially when with friendships that are not maintained, no effort being made
just like a the boiling kettle with no traces of water being left – when the bottom has been seen, there is no point to it

sometimes also don’t know to be sad or glad the way things turned out
whatever
exams first

I am going to be a hermit until my exams
unless there are special occasions and events

i can’t sleep and my heart beat has been accelerating  on a daily basis
i can’t imagine

i am going to cut my holidays short and come back Singapore to study